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Sunday, July 7, 2013

Deception


It really amazes me that I've prayed, begged and pleaded for mercy lately. For  months I've pined over a man who I really didn't know. I thought I knew who he was as a person. He was the standard I held men to. He was the reason that my love life had gotten so complicated. He never reciprocated these feelings. I started feeling like I'd never find a man like him. In this process I dismissed so many great men. I had this wall up because I really just wanted to see what he and I could be.  He left me with intrigue. I wanted to know more about him. I didn't understand why he didn't fall for me. I didn't understand why he rejected me. It wasn't something I was accustomed to. I am enigmatic therefore I'm attracted to others that are a challenge as well. Finally I accidentally got my answers. He is married. He lied to me. I thought he was different from the rest but the truth is all men are the same. My guard is so high now. I'm jaded and I'm bitter yet my passion doesn't die. I'm happy that I can finally let go of the notion that one day he may have came around and felt something for me. This was the answer I was looking for. I got the message in a dream last week but I didn't process it completely until now. It was a premonition. All this time I was a fool. I'm a bit angry. I can't take my broken heart out on every man. It wasn't he that hurt me. It was me that hurt me. Ive always been the source of my heartache. I am naive. I am trusting. I am thirsty for something that's always been missing and I'd give anything to fill the void. This is not who I am. I am not acting like the girl I know. I am a spitfire. I have gumption. I don't tolerate deception. I command respect. I know who I am. I have to get her back. I will admit my first instinct was to slay the hearts of men to take my anger out. This always happens to me. I go after men who are a challenge. Impossible men because I think if I can make them love me then I'm worth loving. I feel like I'm running 100mph just waiting for someone to stop me dead in my tracks and tell me those days are over. I allowed him to tell me that I lived in a fairytale world. I just keep holding out for it YET it sickens me at the same time. I'm moving slow because I'm hurt. Its going to be hard to love me. I will push and pull because I will fight it but eventually I will give in and love someone more than they could ever imagine. They just have to tame my broken heart. I don't know that any man wants to piece me back together. Who wants that challenge? I can't blame anyone for walking away. I just know the one who doesn't let me run will be worth it and so will I. When you clean all this dirt off of me and make me new again I will shine for you. I just got shaken by this one more than I've been shaken before. Now I question my own judgement. I don't want to hurt anyone. It happens unintentionally. I do know that nothing worthwhile is ever easy and I'm worth the effort. I know the love I feel deep down is beyond comprehension. I don't offer it to just anyone. I can't describe what I'm looking for but I know what I want. I will know it the first time we are together. I'm not one for second dates IF we even make it to the first one. I either feel it when I meet someone or I don't. Maybe that's not right. Maybe I need to stop being so scared and just breathe...that's what I said when I first started talking to "him" when he said he wasn't looking for anything. I had decided to not speak to him anymore because I knew me yet this little voice said do something different this time. Just get to know someone even if you see red flags. That little voice should be chloroformed and buried alive!