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Monday, June 3, 2013

New Perspective

“Fairy Tales always have a happy ending.' That depends... on whether you are Rumpelstiltskin or the Queen.” -Jane Yolen, Briar Rose 
I have talked to and met different people throughout the last month and it has been such an exhausting ride. I finally got closure from the deceptive soldier. He messaged me once he was back home and apologized for how he treated me. Of course his motives were still the same but I had the gumption to easily reject the advances. I almost laugh at myself for the silly tears I shed of that situation. It wasn’t necessarily over him it was really the idea I had built in my head of what it could be before I realized what it was. I was so vulnerable at the time I met him.  I’ve met some quite charming men but they fell so fast and it scared me. I ran and I hurt them because I avoided it all together. They were not right for me though.  I considered the idea that I may have developed actual commitment issued but the fact is if it felt right I would want to commit. God knows I would commit to “him”. I find myself comparing almost every man to “his” qualities and almost all of them fall short. There are a couple prospects though who run a close race. They are Intellectual men although they are military too and that’s a bit scary considering what I’ve gone through. I try not to judge others by people who have hurt me though. Only time will show true colors. I won’t allow myself to completely drop my guard until I actually meet them in person and know they are legit. I won’t allow words to paint a vision in my head. I will judge people on their actions. Actions are what truly matter.  I explained this and I hope that “the challenge” isn’t the driving force behind their pursuit.  Truth is they don’t really pursue at all. I like them because they don’t use the cliché lines and bullshit. I like real men who are respectable, have integrity, confidence and domineering. I would also like to add EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE. I smile as I type that because I didn’t heed a warning previously and found myself sucked in to a situation of “false hope”.  I realized that “he” may not be the one but “he” was put in my life to raise the bar. To show me the qualities I seek in a man. He lit a fire that no one has lit inside of me. He allowed me to see what I truly sought in a man. I feel like I’m giving up on him because I wanted to love him until he had no choice but to give in and see that it’s possible to have someone love you unconditionally by CHOICE for the rest of your life. I have to let go though. I can’t change anyone’s desire. I know that there is a man out there who fits the mold of what I am looking for and he is looking for a woman like me. Every day that I wake now I won’t be saddened by the realization that I don’t have what I want. I will be excited that today could be the day I get it. False hope? Maybe but I can’t smother the hope in my heart as much as I tried. I’m just that girl with relentless gumption. It’s who I am.