Sunday, June 30, 2013
Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength. -Corrie Ten Boom
I realized today that I spent too many years in fear of getting out of a bad marriage. I was afraid I couldn't make it on my own. I felt stuck. That wasn't the only reason I stayed. I'm not one to give up and every time I thought this is it then I would think of something else I hadn't tried. I exhausted myself mentally trying to make something work that just wasn't right. As much as we both wanted it to work it just wouldn't. As this thought hit me I realized it applies to my life right now. Even if I want something more than anything that doesn't mean its right or that it will work because the other person has to want it too. I was also refusing to give up. The pain is in the wanting. Let the wanting go. Change what you can change. I worried about so many things that were only possibilities. The birds wake up singing. I hear them every morning outside of my window. They play in the gardenia bushes. They don't worry about their next meal. It's always available for them. Their needs are met. They work so hard to prepare their nests. Little by little they piece twigs and leaves together creating a home for their families. They prepare because they expect. They live their lives with expectancy. If God provides for the birds he will certainly meet our needs. Hindsight teaches us that there was never a need to worry and stress because things happen and we aren't in control of everything. We must simply live our lives and know that it will be OK. Bad things are going to happen but refusing to keep moving is detrimental. Water that doesn't flow becomes stagnant. I have no idea where my guts and glory come from. I've wondered where the switch was because I've often wanted to turn it off. I can't give up. I cant seem to stop the passion that flows through me. I just want to live life and feel everything it has to offer. I want to see things and learn things. I want to learn about people and relate to them. I want to leave my mark and know that I may have offered a simple statement that could impact someones life in a positive way someday. I don't want to be forgotten. I'm not a victim because my parents gave me up. I was blessed. I was delivered from a life that could've hindered me from the person I've grown into today. I don't regret the pain I've suffered. I'm no stranger to grief. I know all to well about being scared to fall asleep knowing I will wake up screaming. I have memories that haunt me. I don't use them as a crutch though. I am someone who gives 100% of myself and I'm unfiltered. I want people to know the real me. What is the point if they like someone I pretend to be? I think we are put through trials and we make it so that we can be there for other people. I wouldn't take advice or listen to someone who has never been through the same things I have because they cant fully understand it. This is why I refuse to worry. If I'm meant to suffer through something then I'm humble enough and courageous enough to walk through it. I'm not saying I wont hurt and question the reasons why. I'm only saying the only fear I have is living with "what ifs". I wont. I will know that I danced, I sang, I spoke, I loved, I fought, I cried, I struggled, I hurt, I felt deeply, and I've got memories to remind me of everything Ive ever felt in my life. Its those deep passionate memories that impact our lives. Don't worry about the outcome just close your eyes and jump.