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Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Completely Fickle?


 
Even the most fickle are faithful to a few bad habits. – Mason Cooley
I’ve typed and deleted for the last hour. I’ve tried to express what I’m feeling but I can’t quite find the words. I’m angry. I’m bitter and I’m angry. Why? Why the lies? I don’t understand lighting a fire inside of a woman’s heart only to leave it unattended to blaze out of control destroying her inside. Men wonder why good women turn bad. Men wonder why women become bitter bitches. I just want to scream. I want to go somewhere and scream. Have you ever felt this anger inside? The anger is directed at myself. I dropped my guard. It’s my fault. I knew better. I said from day one something didn’t feel quite right but I decided to jump anyway to see if I could trust myself and maybe distract myself from another false hope I was holding on to. Yes my intuitions are trustworthy. I should listen to the voice within. Trial and error. I gave him so many chances to retract the things he said. I told him I would only be disappointed if he made me fall without catching me. He assured me his arms were out. What is a man’s word anyway? I trust people. I was raised that a man’s word is all he has. It’s called being honorable and having integrity. Does no one believe in it anymore? Maybe I’m too old fashioned. Maybe I need to be like the idiots of today’s society. WE ARE NOT ALL COMPLETELY FICKLE. We may be fickle by nature but we are faithful to a few habits/conquests aren’t we? Look inside yourself. If we are fickle then that means you aren’t as fucking strong as you act like. I’m so damn angry. Why am I so loving and forgiving? Why am I so trusting and vulnerable? As angry as I am, I have no control over it. I will dust myself off and I will fall again. I’m relentless and it’s exhausting yet my heart has the strength of Leonidas. How ironic is that? Maybe the fairytale doesn’t exist. Maybe some men memorize excerpts from our storybooks and quote them at just the right moments and we fall victim to false hope. I would love to say never again but looking like a fool is just something I am accustomed to at this point. I feel like life played a cruel joke on me and I put on a good show. Maybe I am being primed to be something but maybe it isn’t something great. The gumption that I have often feels like a curse. This fight inside needs to be redirected towards something purposeful rather than love don’t you think?