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Monday, May 20, 2013

Let the Wanting Go


 
“Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and it's enough to break your heart.”  -Nicholas Sparks
 
It’s one of those days. I said I’d never regret knowing him and I don’t but I’m in agony. I’m the fool who sends random texts just to see his name light up. I’ve never been “that fool”. He’s distanced himself from me and maybe it was best but its painful. I enjoyed our chats. I suppose my confession ruined that. I wonder when this desire will subside. Its agonizing at times. I look at his picture and I just want to hold his face and kiss him. I want to feel his arms around me and I want to breathe him in.  He is such an enigma to me. I know what he said but here I am hoping that someday he will want someone like me. Isnt that crazy? I’m not turning down potential suitors for this hope. I still pray I’ll find someone just as amazing as he is to make me forget. The problem is no one compares to him. The more they tell me what I want to hear the more I wish it were coming from him. The more they pursue the more I run because deep down I want him. The desire will fade I’m sure. I’ll have that moment when I wake up and realize this is ridiculous. The man doesn’t want me. He said he’d never. Perhaps we chase people in hopes that we’ll never catch up. But maybe we chase them because we know why they’re running. I know all about partial reinforcement. I know that his inconsistent response is playing quite the manipulation game with my mind. I know that it is unintentional though. I know his intentions are far from enticing me. He doesn’t want the chase. He doesn’t want to be my conquest. He simply wants to pursue his own. I must let go of this idea and move on. I know that this unpredictability will cause me to lose faith in this pursuit all together and I’m just waiting for my mind to shut it down. I know what I have to do but I can’t walk away from him right now. I can’t not talk to him right now. Those small fixes are needed.