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Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Epihpany: Great Love


Lately I seemed to have gotten a grip on reality. Although my head seems to wander aimlessly in the clouds my feet have been grounded. I still have moments when I think of things and my heart stings. I still have the desire for great love. I still loathe the conquest for wanting great love. I am still a contradiction. I still smile. I don't cry myself to sleep as often lately.  I still hang on to some things I've heard recently. I overthink them and analyze them. I'm being told to give up on this idea of love because its only in the movies. Its only make believe. The thing is its not because I've realized it exists inside of me. I am the great love that I seek. I have everything inside of me to sustain the one who I deem worthy of it. I've always said that love is an action word not an emotion. I choose to love in spite of.  I choose to give love to people. Some do not accept it. Somewhere there is someone who wants to be loved unconditionally forever. I'm sure there are a lot of people who do. Hell don't we all? I am the love I want to be in. I feel like I could scream that. I feel like tears could just flow because of this great epiphany in my life. I know it exists because I see it in my reflection. I am full of grace and forgiveness. I am aware that people make mistakes. People will let you down because we are all human. I will fail. I will let people down. Unconditional love is choosing to love someone in spite of those mistakes. Granted I'm not saying I'll be a doormat for anyone but then you take in the concept of basic respect. If I find someone compatible with my life then I will bless them with this great love inside of me. I already love everyone. I already seek to serve people and make their day brighter. People remember me for that. People smile when they talk about me and I have no reason to ever think I'm not enough. People who have never received great love are incapable of understanding it and reciprocating it. I can't fault them for that I can only continue to extend my hand and my heart until they know what it feels like to have endless grace and mercy bestowed upon them. I want to be that. I am that. I'm beaming with excitement because of this revelation. I have no reserve in admitting that the only man who ever came close to being what I deemed "The One" will never love me. I am not ok with that but just as this bold resolve gripped me someday I will understand why he was not right for me. One day I will wake up and no longer compare other suitors to him. One day I may even wake up and meet someone who intrigues me just the same who teaches me things and who is open to accepting my great love. I won't question my worth anymore because I know who I am as a person. We are all different with different conquests. My emotions make me feel so alive and I wouldn't change me. Ultimately I am great love!

I love you without knowing
how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly,
without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know
no other way that this:
where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand
on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close
as I fall asleep.
Pablo Neruda