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Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Insanity vs. Faith

It seems I only blog on nights like tonight. I can't wait for this rain to roll in. I can't wait to walk outside and let it wash over me. I keep getting knocked down and I stand right back up. My soul refuses to die and I'm tired. I'm so tired. I say I want this great love but truth is I feel like I can reach out and grab it but I don't. There is one feeling I'm seeking and until I meet the one that makes me feel that way I can't give my heart away. What if I dont even have a heart to give anymore?  I know I'm a mess and I'm scattered. I don't know how to find the pieces to begin to repair it. Am I the one to fix me anyway? I have so many thoughts in my head lately. Its like I'm two different people. I can detach and be this intriguing girl that demands respect and leaves people awestruck and I can be this broken Belle wearing her heart on her sleeve. Truth is even when I try to pretend I'm the strong one I'm really just hoping someone sees through it. I seem to feel this sting in my chest a lot more than the butterflies I'm praying for. I can see circumstances arent good but I want to challenge it and see if I'm the exception. I thought about this a lot. I had a seed planted early in my life that I wasnt enough. That I was easy to walk away from. Ever since then I want to push until someone says I'm gonna love you no matter what. I'm gonna love you through this and past your pain. I'm gonna help you get over this because you are worthy of it. This is why I don't go for the easy scenarios. I see impossible and I chase it. If I can make the most impossible person fall in love with me then I'm truly worth it. Lately all I seem to get is lies. I get promises that were never intended to be kept. I get lines that are meant to melt my heart with no intentions of love. I dont have to give my body to anyone to feel loved. I learned that a long time ago. I'm worth so much more. I have a love inside of me that can sustain a lifetime of souls. I have so much empathy and so much love to give but I have to meet the one that Im searching for. I could describe him but the details would take all day and theres no way I can describe the feeling I know I'll feel when I find him. When I do find him I dont need all these titles and rules because it will just flow naturally and we will just both know. Its gonna happen at a pace where I dont get scared and run. I don't mean to hurt people but maybe when I run I just need someone to grab me and stop me. Don't let me go because that only tells me I'm not worth the effort. I've felt that my entire life. I wasnt worth it. I know who I am inside. I know that somewhere I'm the answer to someones prayer. He is gonna know its me the second he lays eyes on me. He's damn sure not going to let me go. In the meantime I may still fall for men that are impossible because its in my nature but eventually he will come along. I guess the good thing is my body is on auto-pilot because I seem to have superhuman strength and gumption. I won't give up as much as I say I want to. I dont. I recently heard that dating was such a childish thing. Romance isnt for everyone. Can I be both a Storgic and Eros Lover? I feel like I have the qualities of both yet I seem to be falling hard for the Pragmatic lover who is boldly telling me it'll never happen. I'm gonna listen this time but he is the closest thing I've ever found to being someone I could honestly give my everything to and never run. Truth is if he were the one he wouldn't reject the notion of love. He would let me. So maybe there is another him somewhere.  Here I am trying and trying again having faith in love but is it faith or insanity? If it is insanity how do I let go of this silly notion that I'm going to be swept off my feet and live happily every after? After all its so childish. I guess it's time to grow up and face reality but I just need to know how.