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Thursday, April 4, 2013

Head Vs. Heart

I sometimes wish I could switch off my feelings as easily as I pretend I can.  I wonder who sees through me? I'm always honest about my feelings.  I am the way that I am but I don't share how much I care.  I don't share how easily I get my feelings hurt.  The thing is though I keep pushing for it.  I keep going forward.  I can take it.  Its the little masochist in me.  I'm starting to end things before they cause me pain though.  I'm getting better.  Somethings feel amazing and alive and I can know they are fake. Sometimes I'm like the hell with it. Its like an addiction.  I need my fix. Lately I've started to realize heartache before it has a chance and I walk away.  It's amazing to me how men can detach themselves from intimacy.  Maybe thats why I choose to not find someone that I can really be with intimately.  I don't want to feel and then hurt.   So how do I begin to not be so caring and loving? How do I block this feeling of nurturing and taking care of someone? Thats the kind of wife that gets cheated on with these women that don't care.  Its appealing. I'm the best of both worlds and they never give me the chance to see that. I wont be a NSA lover. Its all or nothing for me. I tensed up saying that. My heart is screaming Nooooooo!!! Shes all about something is better than nothing. Selfish little thing she is.  I met this local boy who was very sweet but had no intelligence.  He thought I was that sassy Southern Belle who would eat up his pretty little lies and give it up. I shut that down.  He didn't even try.  Silly boy.  One day when they're all older and settled they will think of me.  They will wish they hadn't been so stupid.  I will be just fine knowing my morals took precedence over their stupidity.  I'm really tired about blogging the same stuff over and over again.  Something has got to give.  This war between my head and my heart is never ending and frankly I'm starting not give a damn.