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Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Enough

Its hard to think that I was taken for a fool like I was. It's really hard to think that anyone would awaken a love inside someone when it had lie dormant for so long and have no intention of pursuing that love. You let me fall and didn't catch me. You didn't catch me because your hands were full. I still look at the pics on Google images.  I look at her looking at you and think about the nights I pictured the same thing someday. She was a beautiful bride and you were a handsome groom. I had a wall up with you.  I tried to leave you alone.  You pursued me relentlessly until I gave in.  When I do that I give it my all because people deserve each other at their very best.  I spent years alone.  I had someone here but I was alone. I was told I was nothing day after day until I decided to stop being a victim. I found my gumption. I felt empowered. The weakness was my heart. I was a thirsty woman. It's easy to fill the heart of a thirsty woman. You knew that though. You told me all the right things you bastard. I spent my days thinking of you coming home. You asked me what I would wear when you came home. I told you a dress with a flower in my hair. You were going to give me that classic military kiss that I found the photo of. It was the things lost in detail that hurt. You didn't have to take it to that level. I'm one of the few faithful women left. I don't believe in loving unless you are completely devoted to that person.  How dare you lie to me? I have no closure. I don't know why you hurt me so bad. All I know is you're living your life and you used me and left me feeling empty and foolish.  Someday you will feel that same pain.  Truth is I don't even know if we'd have been compatible. All I knew is you made me smile and I wanted to be yours. Everything else was circumstantial. I would have moved anywhere to be with you. I would have uprooted my life to take care of you for the rest of yours.  I have been so reluctant to blog about this because of the pain it brings up. However, I have to get it out of me. I thought being a soldier meant you have integrity. I just don't know what else to say and I don't know why this one thing has scarred me. I cant seem to shake it. I still cry.  I find it hard to trust people. I question their motives. Everyone I have ever loved has been unfaithful. I feel like I'm not enough.  If  it weren't so easy and maybe if I were a challenge would that make a difference? I don't want to play games though. I just want to be me and I want someone to adore that. I want to share my life and my soul with someone and be enough to sustain them. I always wondered how my mother left me with my grandparents and drove away. That was the first feeling remotely close to this. Daddy found it hard to see me because I reminded him of mom. He wouldn't look me in my eyes without crying and telling me how beautiful I was. Yet I wasn't enough to make him stop using. My first love and husband left me for another woman. He took my virginity and my life. I gave my hand for eternity and he broke those vows leaving me a marked woman.  I wasn't enough for him.  Then there's my most recent marriage. I begged for affection.  I did everything for him. He wouldn't say he loved me. He wouldn't kiss me. I felt unattractive and lonely. I wasn't enough for him. I have all this pain yet my soul refuses to die. I have all this tragedy inside and yet I still want to love with everything I have. Its this relentless passion inside. I just feel that there is a purpose. I feel that I am here to be everything to one Man and he is going to be everything I ever wanted. He will be the answer to every prayer I've offered. He will be my protector and my lover. I will devote my life to him. He wont hurt me. He wont see another woman. He will hold me every night like its our last. He will be both romantic and responsible. He will pull me close when I try to run. He will kiss me to make me shut my mouth. He will love me past all this pain and he will restore my faith in love once again.