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Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Attempting to Detach

The thoughts are flooding in faster than I can take them down. I’ve felt like my body is leaking every ounce of passion I once had for seeking love. I feel more like a shell. The sting is so heavy that I feel sleepy all of the time. I’m tired and there comes a time when you have to face reality. My reality is that I was deserted as a child. I wasn’t enough. I drowned that pain in dreams. I lived through fairytales and fables. I escaped my pain by pretending that there could be some prince on a white horse that is going to swoop in and save me from my unhappiness. He hasn’t in 30 years so why now? Why would I expect to be enough now? I’ve been a fool far too long. I’m much too intelligent to allow myself to continue this endless journey to nowhere. There is no pot of gold beneath the rainbow. I put my hope in some notion that someone else could save me from my pain. I simply need to be self reliant and resistant. I had someone call me out once and told me that I was already hard but I had not realized it yet. I was told that I do to others what I expect not to be done to me. I repeat the pain. They told me it wasn’t that I was seeking love but that I loved to “win”. I don’t want to think too deeply about this idea because I feel like there is some truth to it. Not completely true though.  I do love the euphoric feeling that infatuation gives but I am going to envision that it is a drug. A poison to my soul. I must refrain from it to detox. This is going to be the hardest thing in my life to smother but I’m ready. I’m scared. I’m broken but I never want to feel again. I don’t want to be the way that I am. I keep getting hurt. I can’t and I won’t again. I almost get angry when men text me with the cliché compliments and lines today. I almost feel like they are insulting my intelligence more so than complimenting me. I don’t need pretty little lies. I have begun to resent the very dream I once lived for. Tragic Irony.