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Friday, March 29, 2013

Sometimes I break

So I broke last night. Not sure how I felt about that. It was a relief to say the least. No one knew. I drank in my kitchen and sang songs. I was in the most fabulous mood. I had gotten all glamorous in my long black cotton dress with big southern hair. The more I drank the more it flushed out emotion. It wasnt welcomed.  It was sudden and it terrified me. I was angry and sad. I was bitter. I fought it so hard. I screamed. I pulled my hair. I pulled my knees tight to my chest and I sobbed. Truth is Im a mess and at the same time I really am happy.  I ache when I think of some things that have happened to me.  Then I'm angry that I allowed it.  Wearing your heart on your sleeve isnt for the weak. It leaves you vulnerable in a beautiful way.  The people who meet me get raw unfiltered emotion and conversation. Some arent seeking the depth and they are master manipulators. They play on those emotions and if youre not careful they will take you down.  I dont stay down but when I recollect those moments I feel this sting and tense feeling swell in my chest.  I mean I really let some people get to me.  It was my fault though. I chase a challenge. I see all the warnings but Im like no Im going to see if I can make them feel something.  How dare they not respond to my charm?! They lead me on this chase and deep down Im glutton for the punishment.  Its this comfort in pain that Im used to.  Its an old familiar feeling and lets me know Im real. Im alive. You cant experience the kind of raw euphoric infatuation that I refer to unless you live the way I do.  With it comes pain in the end. Some people will never know they got to me the way they did.  Some people do because I tell them.  I absolutely share my crazy with them. Of course theres no saving anything after that but damn why hurt me. I offer so much and its never appreciated until I pretend like Im hard. When I act like I dont have feelings and I dont really care. Then they want it. Once my true heart is revealed and Im no longer a challenge then theyre gone. Why do we have to play this game of cat and mouse? Truth is there has to be that lure...there has to be that attraction and that desire. If it were easy then you don't put forth effort. Its our nature. Its a fever when we feel it.  When you find that person that feels just like you do and everything aligns...attraction...chemistry....interests...then its crazy. Its a tornado of emotion. When both of you get each other then you provoke each other just because it turns you on. You're harvesting something and neither one of you know exactly what is going to happen.  That unknown is enough intrigue to keep it going. Before you know it you are in love and it scares the hell out of you. Sometimes this happens and without explanation its gone. You're left feeling empty and rejected. Angry isnt the word. Jaded is more appropriate. You get better and eventually move on but there is always that memory.  It stings. No closure. Every time you love again you wonder when the last day will be. It's enough to keep you on your toes though. Its enough to make you want to soak it in while you can. The love may be temporary but its amazing while its happening. The pain unfortunately creeps in just as often as the memory of the person. Damn you who have jaded me. You never deserved me but I can rest easy knowing one thing. You will always think of me.  You will never forget who I am. You may have been a coward but you were blessed to have it while you did. So it seems the curse is on you more so than me. You arent really living your life. You don't feel like I do. You'll never know. I will grow old one day and I will have memories to sustain me. I will feel like I once lived my life. I will know that I never lived with a "what if". I took every chance and I conquered it. Rise and Fall.