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Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Masochist?

I found myself looking up the definition for "Masochist" and "Sadist" today.  Do you think there are degrees of these? I mean I don't like to inflict pain on others and I don't get any sexual gratification from my own pain but I'm used to the sadness.  I'm so content with it that I push people away and build walls...praying all the while that they will see through it and fight for me.  Don't let me walk away.  I may tell you to but don't listen.  You know I don't know what I need.  Obviously I'm a mess. Writing through my thoughts has taught me that.  Am I alone in the way I feel?  Am I not allowed to test anyone?  My heart isn't for the weak.  I have realized that I need someone to save me from it.  I need someone to see right through me and call me on my B.S.  Don't shy down from me.  I need the truth.  I need to be shaken.  Wake me up from this fantasy I'm living in and make me face it.  I don't want to turn away from love.  I just want the right kind of love.  I need a MAN.  I need someone strong and smart enough to lead me.  This is why I researched "Masochism"....I want to be submissive but so far I haven't found anyone that I respect or trust to lead me.  I don't know maybe he doesn't exist but I'll never give up the search.