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Saturday, March 2, 2013

Marilyn and I

I'm left with a realization this morning that its possible that I'll never be satisfied.  I think its the fall that entices me.  I think its that euphoric feeling that I try to bleed out of every situation.  I'm all about the journey and I don't think I want there to ever be a destination.  You see its tragedy and love that I love.  Its those raw emotions that make up who I am.  I am very contradicting.  I'm very difficult to get and those that get me scare the living hell out of me.  I will push you away and I will walk away because I can't be found out.  I can't be contained.  You can't have a heart like mine.  You can hold it for a while but I'm afraid that's it.  I don't want to hurt you.  I honestly don't want to hurt anyone.  It's who I am.  With that being said I tend to fall deeply for those who I can never have.  I bleed myself for them and they could take me or leave me.  I'm left wondering why I don't get to them.  When I walk away and give up then they realize but it's too late for me.  If you don't catch me at just the right moment I'm over it.  Selfish? I don't know.  I can't even figure me out.  I'm so complex.  Its frustrating living in my head.  I know exactly what I want but reality assures me that it isn't possible.  I go through stages of believing, doubting, and anger but for some reason I never give up the search.  I just know what I've done along the way.  I don't mean to leave a wake of disaster.  I honestly don't.  I just need someone to see right through me and figure me out for myself.  Then I need them to not give up when I try to push them away.  I run.  I run then I cry.  I cry because I get what I ask for and then it scares me because I don't want it to go away.  I assume its better to toy with it than to let it happen.  I've let myself fall and no one caught me.  They promised they would but I fell hard.  It hurt.  Do you know what it feels like to hold your knees and cry silently in the tub?  Do you know what its like to lie in the fetal position in a closet crying silently?  Do you know what its like to pull up on the bank of the Yazoo river with a bottle of liquor to cry and drown your sorrows until you fall asleep right there in your car?  Do you know what its like to drive down some remote dirt road just to scream?  I do. I do it often.  I hurt so bad inside but yet this Belle just smiles.  I don't know how long I can manage living with this pain inside but until I find a way to verbalize what it is that I'm feeling I'll just keep suppressing it...I suppose.  I'm worried.  Where does it go?  Is it going to make me crazy someday?  I'm not really living this life.  It's living me.  I just play the role.  I relate to Marilyn so much.  She hid behind this grace.  She was a mess too but she was a belle.  Don't try to make me better.  Just love me as I am even though I can't promise you forever.