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Saturday, March 16, 2013

Lonely nights

I think I need to blog.  I don't want to though.  It's that weary feeling.  It creeps up like a sinus infection and I'm helpless to it.  Life seems to be teasing me with the possibility of finding what it is I'm looking for. I think people have become too manipulative.  I think everyone knows just what to say at just the right time. It's not fair.  Why play with someone's heart? I'm sure it's karma.  Hell as I type this I realize I'm guilty of it myself.  If something seems perfect or too good to be  I hate these nights.  I'm fine all day but my heart fears the setting sun because with it comes reflection.  I keep so many distractions and when they arent "distracting" then I'm left with my own thoughts.  Maybe I should have a face off with my heart and deal with it once and for all.  I'm not perfect but damn I want someone who looks at me like I am.  I want to smile like I'm 16 again. I want to soak it all in.  I know all about holding on and letting go.  I just dont know when to hold em and when to fold em.  He said I'd never be happy.  I'll never find what I'm looking for.  I may not but I have hope and possibility as long as I can dream.  That hope and possibility will keep me alive a lot longer than settling like half the people in this town.  It's not an easy journey though.  It's full of pain and lies and its enough to make anyone want to settle.  I refuse though.  He's out there.  He's gonna know what I need without me telling him.  He's gonna look at me and smile.  He's gonna dance with me in the kitchen.  He's gonna make this weariness disappear.  He won't make me cry.  He won't lie to me.  He will be my biggest fan.  Charm has become a deceitful art form and is not to be confused with chivalry and integrity.  I'm not going to question it.  I'm gonna be misled.  Im gonna be hurt.  I'm gonna fall and he's not gonna catch me.  I know that it will be hit and miss until I find him.  However when I do he will mend every wound and wipe every tear.