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Thursday, February 28, 2013

Broken Bridges

I've thought about my daddy a lot lately.  I miss him.  I wish he were here to talk to.  People say that time heals the pain but not when you lose someone.  Time is only a reminder that they are missing your life.  I can't call daddy up and tell him about the boys games or jokes.  I still have so much guilt that I wrote him off.  His addictions were a burden to me.  I didn't want anything to do with it.  My grandparents raised me and my grandfather was my "daddy".  Daddy was second.  I loved him.  I waited for him.  He made me promises he never kept.  He loved me so much though.  I could see the adoration in his eyes when he'd squeeze me tight.  He always bragged on me.  He would get mad and call me a snob but I was.  I wasn't accepting of what he was doing.  I didn't mean to be that way.  It was may way of coping with it all.  I had sort of prepared myself for the call.  I knew it was coming sooner than later.  The day I got the call I went in to preparation mode.  I didn't stop to grieve.  I left for Slidell, LA immediately and began to help make arrangements.  That night I wrote my father's eulogy.  I picked out the song "Broken Bridges" by Toby Keith.  It wasn't until I saw that man in the casket that they said was my daddy that it hit me.  It hit me like the weight of the world.  I never told him that I loved him as much as I did.  I never told him that he hurt me.  I never hugged him tight like I never wanted to let go.  At that moment I realized that I never could.  My tears flowed endlessly and I screamed that's not my daddy. It was hard to speak my way through the eulogy and everyone cried but I made it.  I realized that addiction is a disease and my daddy struggled with it.  I know that he had a faith in God and I comfort myself thinking that somehow God has made him better somehow.  He doesn't have to take a pill to swallow the pain now.  He doesn't have to try and impress me or anyone else.  I miss his big heart and big smile.  I hate that my boys wont grow up knowing him.  I live with the guilt.  I learned to never let a day go by without telling those that you care about how much you love them.  So what are you waiting for?

Broken Bridges  - the Song for my daddy and I