I've thought about my daddy a lot lately. I miss him. I wish he were here to talk to. People say that time heals the pain but not when you lose someone. Time is only a reminder that they are missing your life. I can't call daddy up and tell him about the boys games or jokes. I still have so much guilt that I wrote him off. His addictions were a burden to me. I didn't want anything to do with it. My grandparents raised me and my grandfather was my "daddy". Daddy was second. I loved him. I waited for him. He made me promises he never kept. He loved me so much though. I could see the adoration in his eyes when he'd squeeze me tight. He always bragged on me. He would get mad and call me a snob but I was. I wasn't accepting of what he was doing. I didn't mean to be that way. It was may way of coping with it all. I had sort of prepared myself for the call. I knew it was coming sooner than later. The day I got the call I went in to preparation mode. I didn't stop to grieve. I left for Slidell, LA immediately and began to help make arrangements. That night I wrote my father's eulogy. I picked out the song "Broken Bridges" by Toby Keith. It wasn't until I saw that man in the casket that they said was my daddy that it hit me. It hit me like the weight of the world. I never told him that I loved him as much as I did. I never told him that he hurt me. I never hugged him tight like I never wanted to let go. At that moment I realized that I never could. My tears flowed endlessly and I screamed that's not my daddy. It was hard to speak my way through the eulogy and everyone cried but I made it. I realized that addiction is a disease and my daddy struggled with it. I know that he had a faith in God and I comfort myself thinking that somehow God has made him better somehow. He doesn't have to take a pill to swallow the pain now. He doesn't have to try and impress me or anyone else. I miss his big heart and big smile. I hate that my boys wont grow up knowing him. I live with the guilt. I learned to never let a day go by without telling those that you care about how much you love them. So what are you waiting for?
Broken Bridges - the Song for my daddy and I